I asked him how I can make friends in a city that I’m a complete stranger in. His reply was simple. He said “for me this is what I do. I find a group of people to play football with. They introduce me to their friends, and their friends also put me onto their friends; then the circle gets bigger.”
Before he finished that statement I could
feel my hope dying. From childhood I’ve not known how to play any sport. I’ve
never been the most athletic kid. Currently if I tell people about how I jog
and perform aerobic exercise at home, they burst into laughter. I tried my best
at football but made zero progress. It may sound like I’m giving myself an
excuse, but as I’ve realised, the way I learn new activities is a tad different
from majority of people. I learn slowly to understand every bit of detail, then
with a lot of practice, I get better. Usually if I’m able to stick to it I
become better than most people. However, no one had the patience to understand
this, and I thought my life wasn’t dependent on sports so I gave up on it. To
my regret, this inability has haunted me till date.
My starting point is an unachievable
dream. The only remaining social life for me is interaction with co-workers.
But if there’s anything I’ve learned about the UK, it’s that your co-workers
are really not your friends. One of my biggest culture shocks is that I used to
have good conversations with a colleague at work. Then, on a random weekend, I bumped
into him at a shopping centre, and to my surprise he treated me like a
stranger. To avoid disappointment, I consciously lowered my expectations after
that occurrence.
The moment I decide to speak to someone
about not being able to befriend work colleagues properly, their response is on
the lines of “the workplace is not where you find friends. You’re there to make
money. Friendship at work is not necessary.”
I understand this to a certain extent,
but as observant as I am, I see how people light up, the smile they wear, and
how energetic they become when their favourite person is present at work. In
fact, research has shown that a higher percentage of workers believe that
having a friend at the workplace makes their job more enjoyable. So is the
response I get words of deceit, or is it that people have not paid enough
attention to the phenomenon?
I’m quite cautious about who I let into
my life. I could’ve built strong friendships with co-workers, but because of
the fear that they may not understand my story, I tend to distance myself. It
doesn’t make sense that a guy of my age can’t play football, or ride a bicycle,
or drive a car, or swim, or dance, or even play video games. Music discussions
can’t be the only thing a guy of my age has to offer. How boring can a person
be?
This is what I’m ashamed of most. To
maintain mutual respect and my own sanity, I shield this from people. The
moment I’m getting too close to someone to a point where they could find out, I
subconsciously sabotage the relationship. I believe no person would want to
relate with a person like that. I fear I may bring the mood down.
There are people who are naturally well
versed conversationalists. Unfortunately, I am not. Almost everything I know
now about conversations I had to study. My mind works in format. I think that’s
why I like to write, because articles generally have formats; I like Hip-Hop because
there are defined elements; I like Rap because there is generally a form of
structure. Unfortunately, there’s no proper formula for conversations. Sure,
some experts have written and spoken about how to structure conversations, but
having lived the life of someone who’s solely dependent on such self-help
advice, I can confidently say it has limitations. I personally don’t think
someone like me can have better conversations than people whom it just comes
naturally.
I’m somewhat a delight to talk to at the
initial stages, till later when I’m done applying the last page of the
self-help book or the last second of the YouTube video. Once in a while, there
are people who deeply connect to me so we stay friends or acquaintances, but in
this fast-paced society who has that patience?
Conversation is a two-way street. As I’m
usually genuinely interested in people’s stories, I ask questions. I’ve
convinced myself that I’m not the type to open up to a person unless they are
interested enough to seek to know me by asking. Thus, I end up knowing a great
deal about people I talk to, without them knowing a single thing about me.
Sometimes I do share little nuggets of personal information here and there, but
I think they don’t care enough. People use information against people. Even
slight information like me being a last born usually leads to people having a
different perspective about me, regarding stereotypes of how last born
individuals are weak, pampered and spoiled. As a defence mechanism, I stick to
a belief that the less someone knows about me, the higher their respect for me,
and the better. It’s safer to remain an enigma than to be an open book. The
side effect of that is not finding people who feel as connected to me.
I have become too self-aware. In terms of
my relationships with people, I haven’t really changed. The only difference is
I notice my poor relational and communication skills now. To paint the picture
clearly, it’s almost like I have a critic at the back of my head giving me
real-time feedback about my performance whenever I talk to someone or engage in
a form of communication with them. It gets really exhausting!
I admit that I’m not a naturally funny
person. I don’t make jokes that are hilarious, but within conversations, I
possess this skill of making remarks and comments which are quite comical and
memorable. But I guess everyone prefers the funny guy. When I get overly
excited, I admit that I may blurt out certain statements which are not ideal.
I’ve had to deal with the aftermath of such situations so much that these days
I’ve become too conscious of making certain statements. I filter out my every
thought before it becomes speech.
I didn’t realise how cultural difference
is that much of a big deal till I started living in a different country which
is not home. Culture really does define who we are. I recently made an
amusingly sarcastic statement when speaking with my cousin, and he laughed his
head off. A few days later, I made the same statement in the same context and
similar delivery, and I was taken seriously rather. I’ve come to a point where
I play a full potential conversation in my head, and I can envisage how
terribly it would end, so I decide to keep it to myself.
All these declarations are coming from a
person who believes I can do better at anything if I really put in the effort.
So sometimes I wonder if I had a conversation and friendship mentor, would I be
better? If I was to learn from his ways, study his mannerisms, facial
expressions, body language, diction, choice of topics and everything in
between, would I become the person that I’m crying out to be?
